Giving Thanks: Wine <3

"I heard Jesus, he drank wine. Yeah I think we'd get along just fine."

I’ve decided to try to stop my whining and complaining about my life and list things that I am thankful for.

The first thing I will be thankful for is wine (not whine…see what I did there?)

I love wine. It has definitely been an acquired taste. I now prefer red over white.

A glass of wine at the end of the day makes me feel better about life.

Wine brings friends together. Whether is with friends in Arizona or with some just four floors down, its always a good time.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin

God, thanks for wine. It is good.

Drinking wine makes me think of all the fun memories I have had over a glass…err.. bottle of wine. Who am I kidding?

Dancing singing in my underwear.
Watching FRIENDS with Chelsea.
Strawberry wine!
Wine night
Summer nights trying new bottles with Pamela
Meeting Oliver

Adding wine to those relaxing nights in makes all the difference.

Cheers!

I’m On My Way

I’m getting used to getting used to this. I may not like my program but every now and then there are little things that suddenly make my life make sense. I am good at what I do. I am good at connecting with my staff and my students. Sometimes the line might become blurred but they trust me.

Anyway, I’m not the happiest with my program. But I’m trying. There are things that I do love about Indiana. There are so many things near by that I get to experience. I’m in the midwest and feel like I am in the middle of everything.

These past few years (actually months) I’ve gone on so many adventures. My life really is amazing. New York, Boston, DC, Obama’s Inauguration, Driving halfway across the country, Pacer’s game, Vikings at Greenbay, and in a couple of months I will be in Vegas. Yes my life has been great. I just have to remember that.

However, its those great experiences that make me realize just how much I am not enjoying school. I know that I have reasons and goals for why I am here. I am trying to stay focused on my goals and reasons for being here and celebrating the things I do enjoy. Somedays its easier than others but I’ll get there.

“The Porn Star”

No this post is not about porn, nudity, or sex.

I’ve accepted the fact that I will probably never right naturally funny post. (If you want interesting post go here.)

For the past year and a half I have been living the sweet single life. I loved it! It was a change for me.

Here are some post on how I dealt with and adjusted to that:

Hope Floats

Glue

Bouncing Back

While at first it was difficult. I was lonely. Luckily, I found friends who changed that. I was also able to discover things about myself and become a strong, confident, independent woman.

Eventually I became convinced that I did not want to be in a relationship even after I got to Indiana. Being in a relationship just seemed like more of a hassle than it would be worth. My reason for avoiding relationships and sticking to flings last year at Pacific was because I was leaving. There was really no point in having my emotions be involved.

I want to settle down but I need to be free
I might be afraid to fall
But I’ve still got a dream

Once I got to Indiana I realized that I did not want a relationship because I wanted to focus on school and work. I am still convinced that I would pick my career and advancement over love (or whatever you want to call it).  I would not sacrifice any of my goals or plans by being in a relationship. I was avoiding a relationship. I was just going to date so I could meet people but I was not going to be emotionally invested and I won’t really change anything from my schedule to fit someone else in.

The reason I bring those things up is because right now there is a guy in the picture. I haven’t thought of a name for him yet. And no Sara and Lindsey I will not refer to him as the Porn Star!…..Actually yes I am going to but no he is not a porn star.

So this Porn Star character came into the picture about 3 weeks ago. I met him at a bar and we’ve gone/hung out several times since then. The last time I saw him he asked if I wanted to be his girl friend. I said yes. Ever since then I’ve been regretting it. Perhaps not regretting but I think I would be more comfortable if we were still dating. It was just easier to say yes. Things haven’t changed. Its not like any relationship I have ever been in. We talk/text/chat almost everyday. He lives about 45 minutes away so he isn’t around all the time. These are all things I haven’t experienced.

I still don’t like to refer to him as my boyfriend and I won’t refer to myself as his girlfriend. Those titles might take some time getting used to. I have also not stopped talking to the other guys that I was interested in before the Porn Star came into the picture. I’m not really emotionally invested in this “relationship.” I don’t think he is either. But perhaps I am not being fair to him. Who knows I might eventually like him and enjoy being someone’s girlfriend again.

 

What If It Was All A Mistake?

It is a rare day when I do not regret coming to Indiana. Sometimes I think I should have gone to Boston. Other times that I should have taken a year off. Most of the time its that I should have picked a different program and stuck with history or policy studies.

I feel like I am wasting my time here. That part is hard to deal with.

Yes, I miss my friends. I miss and think about them everyday. I miss my family. I’ve never been this far from them. I feel that I would be less aware of the fact that I miss those people if I had something to do here at IU. But I’m unhappy.

I don’t like my job and my program not something I am passionate about.  What I expected to be doing and what I am doing are not the same thing at all. I feel that I was misled during the orientation and training process.

I am hoping next semester is better. I’m hoping to get a practicum experience that will challenge me and make me feel that I am not wasting my time. I want to use the skills that I know I have. I want to use what I am learning in class at my job. That’s what this program is supposed to be about. “Theory to practice” and I feel that I have not been given the opportunity to do that.

I am trying to find ways to give myself that opportunity sense no one else is providing that for me. Trying to find that has taken more energy, more work, and more hoops I have to jump through. It requires for my student staff to have another meeting to attend.

I feel that I am hitting walls everywhere I turn and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am not motivated because I don’t care. I’m tired of jumping through hoops. I’m tired of assignments that do not require me to think critically but instead I am thinking of how to BS my way through it.

I am not being challenged. These assignments are not difficult. There are a lot of assignments. Learning how to manage and have enough time to be motivated to BS my way through those assignments is not the type of challenge I was looking for when I came here.

I’m tired, unmotivated, and discontent. Why am I here?

I won’t quit, I won’t transfer. This program will still get me to my goal but I just wish it wasn’t a means to an end. I have started doing some outside reading so that I am at least still reading things I am interested in since my required reading does not fulfill that need.

Things will get better. They have to, right?

Boston will always be there. Oregon will always be there. My friends will always be a plane ride away. I am getting a Masters for free…I am getting a Masters for free…I am getting a Masters for free. I can do this.

Introducing Mr. ME

Before I mention Mr. ME I have to get this off my chest
I tried really hard to keep my feelings out of that one. Even when I did realize I was failing to not get carried away I let myself go. I put my guard down. I let my feelings get the best of me. Regardless of what I felt, what I do feel, I don’t want anything from it. But it still hurts. Not much and I’m not crying and I won’t cry. It had just been something I was used to and then it wasn’t there anymore. But the worst part is that I haven’t found something here to replace him or any of them.

What makes it so hard is that outside of class and eating I am not hanging out with people regularly. Mr. ME is absolutely great. He is the best thing in Indiana. He is my best friend here and I really can’t explain how much I enjoy spending time with him. I feel completely comfortable with him and we share a lot of the same thoughts and opinions about work, school, and people. I am the nice, sweet one out of the two but we both can share our self-centered, conceited, maybe at times elitist thoughts with one another and that is great.

Until recently we did not hang out unless it was to eat, study, run errands. But this week we did things together. We watched movies, had drinks in our rooms, we went to a movie, we planned to go pick apples next week. We were doing things that real friends do.

I miss affection. I miss hugs, holding hands, and cuddling. Luckily, Mr. ME is comfortable with me wanting to hold his hand and he even initiates the hand holding sometimes.

He is my person here and I thank God for him pretty much at the end of everyday.

He is at a different place in his life. He is older and he is ready to settle down. He came to Indiana because it is a place he can stay forever. He wants to buy a house here and have a family.

I am not at that place. I have a list of places where I want to live before I can even think about settling down. I’ll admit that every other day it seems that I would really rather move back to Oregon and be with my friends and family. Deep down I really can’t wait to do that and I would love for that to be a possibility. But I know that is not what I would do.

There was a time in my life when I would give up my goals and what I really wanted to do to be near people I loved. That is no longer true.

Sometimes I fear that if I got in a relationship it would become a burden and prevent me from doing all the things I want to accomplish. I don’t want to sacrifice any of those things. But the real issue is that I don’t want to experience the pain of a break up because I would choose my own dreams and aspirations over love. I don’t want to have to choose. I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else. And so I will just not get involved with anyone until I am have done all I’ve needed to do for me.

That’s where Mr. ME and I are different.

He is also tall and very organized. Two other things that I am not. He is a clean freak and his place is spotless. I cannot say the same thing about my place.

He is very opinionated and uncensored. I love that about him. He is also gorgeous. We have a great time together. He doesn’t judge my messy room. He can handle the random things I say and do.

This man keeps me sane.

We were meant to be together.

Nineteen years

Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight.

Tomorrow marks the first day of my nineteenth year in school: Headstart + K-12+ B.A. + M.ED= a really long time.

I don’t really expect to be done or tired of going to school for a long time. My first memory is of me in school. I don’t know anything else but going to class. Someday I guess I will have to go out and get a real job but for now I’m enjoying learning and growing (and thanks to my assistantship I get to do it for free paid to do it!)

In about 10 hours I will be heading to my first class as a grad student.

True to form I can’t sleep and I have no idea what i will wear to my first day of class.

I remember the days when I had a list of school supplies that I was required to buy. On that list was a range of supplies from scissors, crayons, folders, notebooks, and some random number of tissue boxes.

I loved those days. From the day we purchased my new backpack to the day school started I would spend hours looking at my supplies and waiting impatiently to use them. I always had a love for notebooks, pens, and everything found at office depot.

All these years later and how did I spend my time today? Arranging my desk, making sure my paper clips were in the right spot, that my favorite pens were conveniently located, my schedule visible from all angles, and of course my post-its sorted by size and color. I have traded in my trapper keeper (I had the abstract art ones from the 90s) and Pee Chee folders (Do they still make either of those?) for a MacBook but the excitement to dive into books, meet new people, and start something new has not changed.

I think I might even be inclined to take a picture on the steps heading to my first day of school. =)

Being a graduate student is like becoming all of the Seven Dwarves. In the beginning you’re Dopey and Bashful. In the middle, you are usually sick (Sneezy), tired (Sleepy), and irritable (Grumpy). But at the end, they call you Doc, and then you’re Happy.

– Ronald T. Azuma, from his online guide “So long and thanks for the Ph.D.”

Settling In

I really wish that I had the energy to describe all the things that have been going since I moved to Indiana but I’m just so tired and busy all the time. What I can say is that I am loving it here. I have met some great people and I am enjoying what I am doing.

Even though I am having a great time in Bloomington and getting to know new people, it does feel weird not being at Pacific during this time. I am not at RA training. I am not preparing the halls for move-in day. Well…I am but its not the same.

I miss my friends and I even miss my life I had in Oregon. Now I don’t want it to see that I am not valuing the life I am creating here in the mid-west. I have already been faced with several wonderful challenges and I really can’t wait to experience more of it.

I’m really anxious for classes to start. I want to get in a routine and being meeting people outside of my assistantship and my cohort. I want to spend time emerged in my books. I want a reason to study in the library. I really do love to learn and now that I really get to focus on what I am passionate about I just want to get started.

I have heard that some of the assignments are busy work and that is going to be a struggle.

Another thing I know I will have a hard time with is being a supervisor to people who I could probably have as friends. Having that line and setting clear boundaries will be a struggle but it has to be done.

I am also extremely stressed about money. There are a lot of social events that my cohort does weekly that cost money and I just don’t have the funds to go to them. I feel that I will be missing on some great opportunities to connect with them and I’m having a hard time really making that sacrifice.

Life Ain’t Always Beautiful

Life ain’t always beautiful
Sometimes it’s just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain’t always beautiful
You think you’re on your way
And it’s just a dead end road at the end of the day

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walking all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it’s own way of taking its sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it’s a beautiful ride

Bouncing Back

How do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system and love does not, as promised, conquer all?

I was talking with my best friend the other day. She was telling me about her newest love interest. Lately, I haven’t really cared to hear about it. She would tell me all the nice things these guys tell her and perhaps the normal response would be “awww that’s so sweet” but I just can’t do it. I just don’t buy it. I just don’t believe guys are that sincere that early and right now I’m struggling to believe those things are ever sincere. Which leads me to the point of this post–I once did have that trust in men. I did think that people could fall in love and be in love forever but that changed.

I did find love. I believed that there was someone out there for me and I found him. and then everything just fell apart and I’m worried. I’m afraid that he took my ability to believe. and I hate him for that because I always believed before…and now I just feel lost. And I am lost. I’m trying to put myself out there but I feel hopeless.

Perhaps I was young and naive. Maybe I just had bad luck and those people who do find true love are the lucky ones. I don’t believe in soul-mates, I don’t believe that love is forever. It’s not that I don’t believe in love and I am not doubting that I will love again. Again? I feel weird saying that I was in love before considering how I feel toward him (them?) now. The beginning, middle, and end all seem so different. I can’t even recall what that feeling felt like and I’m sure its better that way.

I do believe in love and that some people are able to find it. I just don’t want to find it right now.

Perhaps I will again but right now I’m okay with relationships that won’t go anywhere. I am not dating with a purpose and I don’t intend on finding anything.

**those were quotes from my favorite TV show

Killing Time at 3AM

I’m here. I’m moved in and for the most part unpacked. I just need to make the finishing touches and I can take pictures to reveal my masterpiece.

I’m scared. I’m scared shitless. Not so much about not making friends not about being alone.

I miss him. Although I’ll never let him know and never fully admit how much he does mean to me.

I watched my two “feel good movies” recently. One makes me feel empowered and the other makes me feel loved. Both make me miss my loved ones out west.

Curious about what the humidity will do to my hair.

I wish my besties were here.

My first day alone in here went really well. I really do enjoy having my own place.

I’m the only single person on my staff. That felt weird. it seems like a majority of people in my cohort are in serious relationships. I’m still very happy being single but for the first time I felt not so much ashamed but singled out for being single.

I’m excited to go out with my new peers this Saturday. Even more excited to get my pictures up and take pictures of the finished product. I have the day off on Sunday so I will finish up decorating, take pictures around campus, and do some exploring.

The Friend (my soulmate) and I talked about him coming to visit me today. Now I can’t sleep because I can’t get him out of my head. Well him and someone else but I’m still not ready to admit that one.

Also one of my besties is going to try to come up here for Thanksgiving! I am going to be praying for this and for her to find the money to make it happen.

Another one of my long time best friends also mentioned he would like to come see me in the fall.

I have a lot of potential visitors. Here’s hoping it actually happens.