Out here it’s like I’m someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself

Out here it’s like I’m someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself

I miss my old life. I’m back to struggling about living in Indiana. I can’t really see the purpose in me being in this program.

When I went home, I was happy. I thought that happiness would carry over to my life at Indiana. It only made returning more difficult.

However, I’m don’t want to move home. I just want this place to be a good fit.

I wish my days weren’t so up and down. I cam completely happy one day and then cry myself to sleep the next day. I want to leave this place as fast as possible and then I want to stay and see if it gets better; maybe I just think that would be easier.

I feel confused, lost, and alone.

Tonight is definitely a cry myself to sleep kind of night.

currently listening to The House The Built Me

Up Please

Things are finally looking up.

I have started my applications to two schools. One is my dream program at University of Denver and the other one while not as competitive as Denver does have a good solid program and two lovely ladies in the area–ASU.

I haven’t told anyone here in Indiana yet. I finally told Ben on Wednesday but that’s about it. I have recruited two of the three professors I need for recommendations. the third one is the scary one. It is the person here at IU. My professor, my advisor, and the director (creator) of the program all in one. I’m nervous about how that conversation will go.

The Porn Star has some how managed to get back into the picture. Not in the best way but in the drunk text and phone calls type of way. Sometimes they are nice, sometimes rude….most of the time rude. The latest is that he wants to be friends. He asked me about school and such but that small talk conversation quickly died.

There is some one new in the picture. My new Aussie lover. I met the Aussie a few days ago. He is gorgeous. He is from Australia. He wears glasses so his extreme sex appeal is hidden under his Clark Kent persona but he is still good looking with glasses.

My stomach has been feeling better. I am finally eating real meals. I got carried away with my first real meal and order a crap load of chinese food. They gave me several forks and fortune cookies. I guess they thought I ordered for more than one person. I even ate all of it. Oopsies. It was delicious. I woke up the next morning and wanted more chinese food.

These past few days have been better. I have finally been able to do my reading assignments for my dreaded classes without completely hating life. It helps to know (or at least think) I’m not going to be here next year and I just have to make it for about 3 more months.

Hopefully this upward momentum continues for a while since I was kind of in a rut for a while.

Oh best part of it all. KB will be here on Tuesday!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!

Stand Still Look Pretty

I hate it here. I’m literally crying my eyes out because I hate my life in Indiana.

I hold it together and smile when they need me to but all I really want to do is sleep the day away. I am already counting the days until the summer when I can leave.

I started two applications to other schools today. What I really want out of life is to be at home and not to worry about anything. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to work on assignments I just want to be surrounded by people I love.

I have a meeting in ten minutes which means I have to wipe the tears off my face and put myself together.

I’m watching About A Boy with Hugh Grant. He is gorgeous.

There is this line that Hugh’s character says to the little boy who is about to go on stage to sing a song to make his suicidal depressed mother happy.

If other people can make you happy then other people can make you unhappy.

I have been blaming my unhappiness to the fact that I feel lonely here in Indiana. I am happy by the lack of meaningful friendships here. Perhaps I am letting my happiness be determined by others but I’m not sure how to fix that.

Hugh says you have to make yourself happy. I don’t know how to do that. I am not unhappy with who I am. I like the person I am and I am comfortable being me.

The problem is the person I am does not match up well with Indiana. I’m sure there are people here I could have meaningful relationships with I just wish they weren’t hiding from me.

I’ve met some fun people. Not as many as I was hoping to meet but its a start.

I’ve debated applying to U of Denver but I don’t know if I can handle two more years just to get a Masters. I don’t know if I can handle one more year in Indiana. I’m not even sure I can handle four months.

Kevin will be here next Tuesday. Yes, I am going to rely on him to make me happy. Of course that means I will be unhappy when he leaves. Perhaps Hugh was right but at this point I will take happiness in any form.

not so new lessons learned

Its alright, yeah I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about this heart of mine.

Things are getting slightly better.

I was watching sex and the city and after a recent break up Carrie’s friends are trying to help her figure out the lesson she learned from her last relationship. Carrie then asks the questions: “Do we need to find a lesson to lessen the pain?” I tried to think of what lessons I learned from the Porn Star.

Did I learn a lesson from the Porn Star? Perhaps. I learned that I am willing to be with someone I know is completely wrong for me even when I know better. I know that I really am not ready for a serious relationship. Even though he is not ready for one because of his immaturity, insecurities, and alcohol issues he wants one.  In reality I think he just doesn’t want to be alone. In reality who does?

I may not want to be alone but all I want are friends. I miss having crazy fun. I miss dancing all night, singing bad karaoke, or having shot nights.

Last year I was very secure with my life. I had great friends, I didn’t like my day-to-day job necessarily but school was enjoyable. My life made sense last year. Now it doesn’t. I don’t like school, I don’t like my job, and I don’t like Indiana. The Porn Star even though he came with several drawbacks was an escape from that. He was also one more person I could call a friend. Not a great a friend but a fun friend.

When the Porn Star and I parted ways I was sad. What made it worse was not having people around to make me feel better. There wasn’t kevin to tell me a funny story about himself to distract me from my sadness, Chelsea wasn’t around to tell me I was only allowed to be sad for a little while (at least not in person). Pam wasn’t around to buy me pick me up food or drinks.

Friday night I was invited to a party and then a concert by some of the people in my cohort. I definitely wanted to go out that night and drink the Porn Star away. Mission mostly accomplished. I danced in a crowd full of people and felt really carefree. It was amazing. Everything was great until I woke up and saw that the Porn Star drunk dialed me five times but I was passed out from too much tequila. Part of me wished I was awake to answer so I could hear what he had to say. Saturday I spent the entire day in bed. I crawled out at about 7:30 pm and was finally able to eat. I was craving Ramen. MmmmMMmm.

Saturday I went out and was bored the entire time. I didn’t want to stay in and be mopey and when a friend called me to go out and have drinks I said yes. I even volunteered to drive since there was no way I could drink that night. I had an okay time. I was very quiet for most of the night because I was tired, sick from the night before, and I was thinking of the Porn Star. I got hit on by a few guys but didn’t care too much. Yeah something was definitely wrong with me. Even though I did not have the time of life it was worth it.

In conclusion this is what I learned:

I miss my friends.

I don’t want a serious relationship.

Porn Star was hot and worth it.

Tequila on an empty stomach is a terrible idea.

Guys still think I’m hot.

People want to hang out with me.

There are some decent people here who I can refer to as a friend and not cringe. They don’t compare to my besties but the world cannot handle too many badasses so I guess I will have to settle. That doesn’t mean I can’t be a bad ass while I’m here.

Another One Bites the Dust

It’s done. No more Porn Star.

He doesn’t trust me. He told me he needed to take a step back to think. I told him I couldn’t handle him not believing me anymore. The last thing he said to me was “okay I believe you”

I’m doing fine. I was good last night and great this morning. I started my new internship in Indianapolis which I am completely excited about. Once I got home things were less than wonderful. I couldn’t stop thinking about the Porn Star. I even cried a bit. I was more upset than I thought I would be.

I was going to go out with some classmates but then I decided to stay in with the girls. That’s right the girls are back in town. My Sex and the City girls.

This show is the best therapy, well except for my real girls of course.

I’m doing well.

Let’s go over the last 3 boyfriends that I’ve had (this does not include the flings just the boys that actually claimed the boyfriend title)

#1 was a wealthy and spoiled me

#2 was brilliant

#3 was absolute hunk

I do believe that’s strike three.

I’m not sure what else is out there.

I’ll Meet You UpStairs

I had another fabulous weekend to end a great week.

My entire weekend wasn’t sunshine and rainbows. Benny Boo and I got into a fight after a night of (him) drinking. I wasn’t too worried because I knew we would be fine even though he told me hated me and didn’t want to talk to me ever again. I went on with my weekend and it was wonderful.

This post was going to be about Fabulous weekend number two but instead I am going to tell you about some great/awkward men I meet when I go out to bars.

My saturday consisted of me sleeping in, watching football, taking a nap, and then going out to watch the colts game. After the game, the Porn Star was going to come over but I decided I wanted to get out of Bloomington again. So i told him I would drive out there. So at about 12:30 (it took that long to get out of the bar) I began my one hour drive to see the boy.

Once I got there we decided to go out to a bar. We went to a bar that had really loud music and so I could barely hear him. Loud music is fine if I was going to dance but there wasn’t enough time for that many drinks.

While the Porn Star went to the bar to order us drinks there was a fairly large black man started checking me out. At first he just did a double take and I tried not to make eye contact. But then he started telling his buddies to look at me and he began to say things to me. I shrugged him off and kept hoping my drink and date would come save me.

This would be the second night in a row that a bald black man would try to pick me up. Friday night was worse. This was before Benny Boo and I parted ways. We were sitting at our table playing a drinking game that requires tons of pitchers and chugging. Earlier that night Benny Boo wanted to take tequila shots. We have a special way of taking shots which requires he has access to my boobs. He was already several beers, perhaps even pitchers in, by this point and pulled my shirt down exposing my dear left titty. The black guy sitting at the table across from us notice my goodies and wouldn’t stop staring at me after that. But really who could blame him.

A while later he brings a pitcher to our table and Benny Boo being the great drunk friend he is tells me to show him my boob. For the next eternity (5 minutes real time) this guy is trying to convince me to show him my boob. Then he gets two dollars and is telling me I should stand on the chair. The entire time I am telling him no and trying to push him away. My back was to him and I knew if I turned my head I would have a face full of this stranger’s crotch in my face. Finally Benny Boo tells him he can take his pitcher back but the guy insists that we can keep it and then he walks off.

Later that night we head across the street to a bar I am very familiar with and then I see the black guy who wanted me to dance for him. He saw me and winked at me so I decided to leave.

It is the bar where I met two very awkward geeks on my birthday when I went out with Pamela and Row. Oh that was a great night These nerdy kids were hitting on Row and I. I got the real winner who kept saying things like I want to suck your face off which really is the key to getting my panties on the floor. Not only that but when Row and I went tot he bathroom he told Pamela that he is pretty sure he likes vagina but could be wrong because he has only seen one on the internet. He also wasn’t completely sure he didn’t like penis. He almost stole my heart, let me tell ya!

The other person I met there is my beloved Porn Star. Luckily he isn’t a creeper.

So back to this bar. This bar is called UpStairs. It is pretty trashy. The bathrooms require some serious bleach action and door fixin’. If your lucky the men’s bathroom doesn’t close and you can see men peeing at the urinals. the girls bathroom isn’t much better. The doors do not fit in the stalls so if you wanted to you could see the lovely lady hovering to avoid catching the herpe or the hammered lady hovering because she had one too many AMFs.
**sidenote** No one in Bloomington knows what AMF stands for, they just know its a pretty blue drink and that you can’t taste the alcohol. They are surprised  when I tell them its stands for Adios Mutha Fucker. **
Anyway, this precious bar also has panties and bras hanging from the ceiling. I really want to bring Sara and Lindsey to this bar for two different reasons. One so Sara and I can have our unmentionables forever decorating this classy place and two because I’m sure Lindsey would love how clean it is.

Another great place to meet men is a bar called Sports. Sports is where people go to find hook ups on the dance floor. My booty has had the honor of several drunk men grinding on it and mystery hands all over it. This place is crawling with guys who reak of sweat and alcohol. It’s just what I want all over my sheets. On a brighter note, it is very easy to get free shots from all sorts of guys.

MLIF

Screw FML.  MLIF–My Life is Fab (thanks A. Benton)

SInce Sunday my days have been absolutely fabulous!

The Porn Star and I had a a great day on Sunday. We spent the entire day together. We watched football, went out to eat and out to a movie. We went back to his place and watched some more football that he recorded so we wouldn’t miss it. I spent about 19 hours with him. As I was driving back to Bloomington I felt like I had real feelings for him. We actually had some serious conversations and got to know each other beyond just superficial things. It was quite lovely actually.

Monday came around and it should have been my first day of class but I decided to drop one course. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. I feel less stress. I have more free time. Now I only have class on Tuesday and Wednesday.  WOot!

I know I know I was dreading classes starting but now that they have I am totally pumped! Well, I’m pumped for one class. Its my education policy class. I knew the majority of the students would be PhD students. When I got to the class I quickly discovered that I was the only non-PhD candidate. I was intimidated. I felt like I was 3 inches tall.

We went around the room introducing ourselves and our interest in education policy. I was close to the end but the entire time I was rehearsing what I was going to say. When it was my turn I nailed it! I even used my deep voice that makes me sound more serious and educated.

The professor went on explaining the class and described it as “an advanced PhD course.”  She also added that it is the toughest class she teaches. *gulp*

I started to question whether or not I should be in the class and whether or not I was even allowed to be in that class as a first year Masters student. As the professor went over the syllabus I was falling deeper and deeper in love with the course. I knew it would be challenging but I wanted to be there so bad!

I asked to talk to the professor after class. I told her about my concerns and she assured me that other master students have taken the course and done well. She asked about my interest and we I told her about my interest and experience working with and studying student access, at-risk students, and secondary education.

At the end of our conversation she told me not to worry about being a masters student in that class. She said the only difference she has noticed between PhD and Master students is short term goals. Master students are eager to enter the job market. I told her I wanted to go on and get my PhD in Education policy after I finished my program. That’s when she said the thing I had been needing to hear “Oh I can tell. You are definitely PhD bound.” WOOT WOOT!

I am absolutely pumped for this class. I feel like I will finally be challenged and be studying something I am passionate about in grad school. Which is the reason I wanted to go to graduate school. I also feel like I will be learning real things and not a bunch of fluff or commonsense stuff.

Oh! I’ve also started working out again. Those endorphins have been doing wonders! I’m also exhausted but it has been making me get on a healthier sleep schedule.

I went in and got my thyroid medication figured out and have a new prescription. I’m trying to do better about my health. That includes eating and sleeping well and I’m going to try to keep that going even when classes start getting hectic. So loved ones this is when you come in–if you see me online at 3AM EST tell me to go to bed.

Last semester I had more all nighters than I did in my four years at Pacific. No wonder I was so burnt out.

I had my first small staff meeting with my kiddies today. It went well. I’m good at what I do and they like me which makes my job easier.

Things are great right now. Yes I still miss those on the other side of the Mississippi but I am not hating Freakin’ Indiana right now.

Life is good. I’ll drink to that. CHEERS!

This relationship that was supposed to be fun, easy, and a break from the things I disliked about Indiana is starting to not be as carefree and easy as it started out.

The Porn star is the jealous type which is driving me crazy and pissing me off.

The Porn star is convinced that I hooked up with the Friend over break. We didn’t even sleep in the same bed.

Our relationship isn’t healthy and I know that. If I had any real expectations of a future with the Pornstar I would think be concerned about this affecting our relationship. Instead I am just angry that he thinks I’m lying.

It’s more important for me to have an outlet from IU and HESA than to make sure I’m in a healthy relationship.

***

Time for a confession–

I have to remind myself not to call the Porn Star the wrong name when I’m with him. I don’t know why I still think about him when I haven’t talked or even heard from him in a year and half.

Can $ buy happiness?…

I’m sitting here in my apartment. I am bored out of my mind. I am watching Law & Order: SVU. I am dreading school starting on Monday.

How did I come to hate my life so much?

The fact that I am alone in my room makes me realize just how alone I really am.

I need to meet more people…some not lame people.

I looked up plane tickets from Phoenix to Indy and Portland to Indy today. I’m pretty tempted to bring the shit show to me. It would be worth it. It would also give me the opportunity to lock them up in my room and never ever let them leave me!

So to answer my question “can money buy happiness?” I say it can. Money can buy plane tickets to bring my loved ones closer to me which would make me very VERY happy.