Glue

I’m all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.

As I’ve stated several times before this last year was a big change for me. After a summer that seemed to tear my world apart I found the glue to put it back together in the most unexpected places. I have thanked my friends and family for getting through this year and making it such a great year. But I have yet to acknowledged another small group  who also helped in getting me here.

That group are the Mr. Right Now (now was never a long time sometimes just a moment) I met along the way. Whether they were flings or just crushes  they were what I needed at the time.

Those encounters changed the way I view dating, relationships, and myself. While I am no where near ready to jump back in to a serious relationship or any relationship just yet I have a better sense of what I would want should I ever get there again.

For a long time I had a timeline of how I wanted…err…expected my life to turn out.

I would go to college meet the love of my life and get married. I would have a career that I would put aside for my family. I would be married by 23 and be well on my way to having my three kids and jumping through all the hoops to adopt two by the time I was 28.

My timeline caused me to make several mistakes when it came to dating. I dated with one purpose. That was a terrible mistake. I did not date to figure out what I was looking for. I did not date to experience new things. I did not date to figure out what I needed or wanted from a relationship.

This caused me to put all my chips in one basket way way too quickly several times. Which of course led to getting hurt.

Why was I in such a hurry? And why did I think that it was how dating should be?

When I was about 13 I went to a christian summer camp that was all about waiting to date your mate. The speaker said that dating ends in two ways a break up or marriage. Why waste your time dating if you’re not ready to get married. At that age and several years after i bought into that. Now I think thats one of the most foolish things I’ve ever heard.

These days I’m not sure if I want to get married. Recently, I’ve been doubting I would even want to sacrifice my career goals to have children.

The first three years of college I was on on the MRS degree track. Along the way I was forced to reevaluate that. That led to me having the best year in college that I could imagine.

I spent this year single. This completely ruined my timeline. Being without that timeline (at the same time that I had changed my career choice and was completely heartbroken)  left me scared and confused. I’m not big on surprises. I like to know what to expect and what is in store.

Now I have no timeline. I don’t even think I want the same thing out of a relationship– marriage. It all just seems to overwhelming and I can’t see myself making that type of commitment.

If I wasn’t looking for something serious what was I looking for?

Nothing really.

But what I didn’t expect was to find what I needed in what should usually be unhealthy.

What I needed this year was to be alone. To find a way to be just me and not a plus one. To do things I wanted to do and do things for myself and by myself. I was able to do that. I feel more comfortable in my skin and in who I am than I have ever felt.

My unique laugh has gotten out of control. No I did not always laugh this loud and I will say its because I am the happiest I have ever been.

Another thing I needed was that I needed to feel wanted. This is where the random guys came in. It help heal the wounds of feeling not good enough and rejection. Now I wouldn’t recommend this method for everyone. I’m probably lucky it worked out for me but hey, I’ll take it.

I’m not sure if it worked because I did not have any expectations or desire for anything to happen. Not caring about them and only caring about me made it so that I was always myself. I wasn’t concerned about whether or not they liked or approved of what I said, thought, or did. They were around when I needed them and then I would go on with my life.

….this is making me sound terrible….

So the real purpose of this is that I’m  sometimes you will find what you need in unexpected places.

The stuff I did this year was not stuff I ever really thought I would do. I never thought I would spend that much money at bars or be friends with every bartender in town but this year was fabulous. I stretched, I went out of my comfort zone, I met people who have changed my life and some of them will probably never know it. Some of those people and some of those actions were to heal the wounds that were left from last summer. The healing process wasn’t what I thought it would be but I’m pretty sure I found the best one there was for me.