What If It Was All A Mistake?

It is a rare day when I do not regret coming to Indiana. Sometimes I think I should have gone to Boston. Other times that I should have taken a year off. Most of the time its that I should have picked a different program and stuck with history or policy studies.

I feel like I am wasting my time here. That part is hard to deal with.

Yes, I miss my friends. I miss and think about them everyday. I miss my family. I’ve never been this far from them. I feel that I would be less aware of the fact that I miss those people if I had something to do here at IU. But I’m unhappy.

I don’t like my job and my program not something I am passionate about.  What I expected to be doing and what I am doing are not the same thing at all. I feel that I was misled during the orientation and training process.

I am hoping next semester is better. I’m hoping to get a practicum experience that will challenge me and make me feel that I am not wasting my time. I want to use the skills that I know I have. I want to use what I am learning in class at my job. That’s what this program is supposed to be about. “Theory to practice” and I feel that I have not been given the opportunity to do that.

I am trying to find ways to give myself that opportunity sense no one else is providing that for me. Trying to find that has taken more energy, more work, and more hoops I have to jump through. It requires for my student staff to have another meeting to attend.

I feel that I am hitting walls everywhere I turn and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am not motivated because I don’t care. I’m tired of jumping through hoops. I’m tired of assignments that do not require me to think critically but instead I am thinking of how to BS my way through it.

I am not being challenged. These assignments are not difficult. There are a lot of assignments. Learning how to manage and have enough time to be motivated to BS my way through those assignments is not the type of challenge I was looking for when I came here.

I’m tired, unmotivated, and discontent. Why am I here?

I won’t quit, I won’t transfer. This program will still get me to my goal but I just wish it wasn’t a means to an end. I have started doing some outside reading so that I am at least still reading things I am interested in since my required reading does not fulfill that need.

Things will get better. They have to, right?

Boston will always be there. Oregon will always be there. My friends will always be a plane ride away. I am getting a Masters for free…I am getting a Masters for free…I am getting a Masters for free. I can do this.